Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
