My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
