My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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