On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Nicole vs. Life
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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