How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
