apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
