Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
