sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
