I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
