Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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