He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
