Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
How external is "for external use only"?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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