Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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