I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
