U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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