i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
