Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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