I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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