You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
