My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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