You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize