Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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