And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
