How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
