does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
