oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
