Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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