whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
