I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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