New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
