I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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