Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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