I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My dad is sitting where you rode me
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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