Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize