I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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