I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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