she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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