i already hear my dad disowning me
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
