if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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