I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
