Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
