new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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