I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
