I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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