i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize