I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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