Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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