Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
