I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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