I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
