i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
