John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
