oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
