yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
