maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Randomize
