Plan B is the new Plan A
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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